Knotty Thoughts

thinking under the influence

desperate remorse swallows the present in a quenchless rage July 8, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — knottythoughts @ 10:34 am

Last night I was picked up outside my apartment by a taxi at 8:45pm, I didn’t arrive at my destination (8 miles away) until just before 10pm. In that hour the taxi bus endured several pick ups and drop offs, during which I was seated as the front passenger.

The driver had a noticeable stutter and tendency to skip about his thoughts without a strong sense of chronology. He was very open and told me all about his ex wife who had just died that morning of an unexpected brain aneurism at the age of 48. He told me how, although they’ve been divorced for nineteen years and he wasn’t particularly fond of her, he still felt a sting at the news.

He proceeded to explain all the times in court, custody battles and such, when he had audibly wished ‘that bitch would drop dead’ but now that she has done just that he cannot bear to see his children mourning the loss of their mother. His face cringed in seeming pain at the mention of their two (yes, married and divorced twice) bitter break ups. After a more in depth explanation of the deceased woman he kept repeating that she had a hard life and didn’t have a happy childhood. This woman was constantly haunted by her fear of abandonment which he admitted aiding on multiple occasions in their relationship.

What I found most interesting were his descriptions of the way his daughter and two sons reacted to the death of their mother as individuals. In some form or another the strongest responses they each seemed to have were those associated closely with guilt. The oldest son hadn’t been on very friendly terms with his mother for some time and expressed his regret at not having spent more time with her before her sudden death. The daughter felt she contributed to her mother’s stress and sadness because she didn’t put much effort into being a good child and spent most of her time with her father when given the choice. The youngest son is twenty-years-old and was extremely close to his mother. He spent almost an hour, after watching her die, brushing her hair and talking to her. He lamented his inability to fix the situation and the loss of comfort he knew he could never provide for his just passed parent.

.

.Guilt. This is a thing that inhabits the darkest and most broken corners of my mentality. It cripples me, holds me down, suffocates my opportunities and strips away at my sense of sanity. It’s what makes a bad trip into a near death experience and instills fear in the seeds of my potential. Attempt after attempt to wriggle free of it has left me exhausted and torn to pieces.

.

.

.DO NOT HESITATE.
DO NOT RESIST LOVE.
DO NOT BE CONTROLLED BY FEAR. 

“All futurity seems teeming with endless destruction never to be repelled; Desperate remorse swallows the present in a quenchless rage.”
-William Blake

 

telepathic conversations on the bus July 1, 2010

Our trip to San Francisco was coincidentally during Pride 2010! Over the ten days we spent in the bay area, I had quite the range of experiences, mostly too exhausting to write about in any detail right now. Zoo, Alcatraz, random joints, aquarium, fun sex, open container citation, bums, DANCING, bartering, record stores, clubs, girlsgirlsgirls, boysboysboys, Diggnation, free alcohol, DRIVING, ice machines, missing my beautiful animals and my beautiful keyboard. If nothing else the trip served to remind me of who I am and whom I’d rather be. Pure inspiration, even the shitty parts.

I am still broke but yoga and meditation are free.

Now I realize that I’ve been doing it all wrong, this battle with my brain. It’s not about rewarding myself when I resist something I want to resist, especially when the the reward is another negative thing to my body. The reward is in the resistance itself.

I started a bit of a body detox today. Nearly two weeks of drinking and eating junk non stop while on vacation in San Francisco has taken it’s toll. I’ll still be drinking, likely, but I’m pairing my unabashed alcoholism will all other things healthy. I haven’t smoked more than five cigarettes in the last five weeks, though I did go through a few cheap cigars and the green smoke will never stop entering my lungs. Today
I have begun consuming large quantities of green tea with fresh blueberries and lemons smashed into it. This week I will only be eating things that are real food, nothing processed and very few carbs. Carrots, cucumbers, mushrooms, bananas, pineapple, lemons, strawberries, blueberries, beans and such. Doubtless, this attention to my body and mind will pay off.

Monday night was nice, back in the comfortable world of drunken friends. Tuesday night was even more lovely at Laura’s eviction party: drink, snort, dance, sing, talk, BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY, police, sprinklers, jumping balconies, hiding in closets and under beds, huge pupils. Ah, how ordinary in our lives but still so refreshing! We must create, oh you beautiful humans, this is our world.

Today is the day.
The beginning.
I have a lot of work to do, to become this person that I’ve been harboring within myself for years now. I will become what I want, I will change my name, I will adventure and love and live. My motivation has never been more grounded, my determination has never been more powerful. In a way, I am bringing each one of you with me.