Knotty Thoughts

thinking under the influence

a tingling sensation December 30, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — knottythoughts @ 1:11 am
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…my life can be pretty fucked up!

gosh, I used to be cute.

I used to paint my toenails.

and not give a fuck.

I was creative too.

I used to be in love.

I used to fall off my skateboard.

for a while I had close friends
the kind that let you spray paint them when they’re drunk.
the kind that keep you warm when the heat goes out
the kind that help you fill up the station wagon when dumpster diving
and never blame you for eating that chocolate.
or making strange cinnamon treats out of the pizza crust.
the kind that will always share their last cigarette with you
the kind that will write lyrics to punk songs and hide them on your computer
the kind that haggles for used skate shoes as a gift to you
the kind that bombs hills with you, even when they have loose bearings.
the kind that helps you cook a feast in an unpaid for apartment.
the kind that keeps playing even when they bleed.
the kind that accidentally breaks your ceiling fan with nunchucks
the kind that allow you to witness them shave their mohawks
let you paint their spikes.
the kind that give you hope and faith in humanity.
The kind I let go and forced away.

because I like to hear myself talk.
‘I am lucky to constantly be exposed to a ridiculous variety of experiences. I’m almost always completely consumed in this strange sense of appreciation and adoration for all things life. It can never be turned off. Everything is too interesting.’

Like right now, the speed and comfort with which my finger tips are flying across the greasy keys hitting letter after letter individually, forcing them to combine and spill my thoughts on to the page. On to my screen. On to your screen. You’re getting a sense of my life(the passion, the insanity, the awesomely fucked up-ness) from the safety of your own life. What a stunningly beautiful thing. How simply feeling the comfort I associate with typing can bring me to the brim with joy. REAL joy. It’s swirling about in my lungs at all times. My eyes are spinning, over-stimulated, desperately soaking in every last visual drop of information in my surroundings. Caressing it in brain fibers and sending a tingling bliss through my entire nerve system. Even in the two feet that have been crushed in circle pits so many times and are basically numb, they tingle now.
And don’t you want to live this?
don’t you want to look back on your memories and sigh happily with the knowledge that you’ve been living life to the fullest?
don’t you want to look forward to the future and giggle because you understand so clearly that even the most dreadful, terrible things that may occur are in their own way truly lovely?
don’t you want to be lured by the promise of new sensation?
fresh perspective?
don’t you want to be confident in your perception of actuality?

I do.
I am.
I love.

Hmm. Been hitting the bong.
But seriously, how can you let anything pass by you!
WAKE UP.
let the merriment commence!

your willingness to let yourself be happy is the key to full-blooded, unquestionable delight

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resorting to resin hits December 6, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — knottythoughts @ 6:16 pm
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At times, I wonder.
This afternoon was one of those times; using a dirty towel to soak up the urine left on the bathroom floor by the other. My poor socks, at least they were on sale. I wonder if this is right, if this is okay, how long can I continue. I’m only twenty years old, I cannot even legally be an alcoholic yet. This hasn’t managed to dissuade me. [sigh]

The theme of last night’s party was the 1980s. The mix was great, the spandex was better; it was a fun group of people. Where we live (in an apartment) the neighbor’s don’t call the cops. I hate this place some times, but I do not want to leave. I may have no choice, though, if I don’t find a job soon. Very soon, T minus 3 weeks, MAX. I should be trying harder. Part of me wants to start over, be alone, snow and smallness. Then again, NO.

At last resort, the place I’d have to move to is Sandpoint, Idaho. I grew up there. It is a stunning place; the lake, the mountain. I could snowboard all winter, boat all summer. My family is close to there, but not my friends. I don’t even think I could get decent internet. I’m terrified that a move there will leave me feeling depressed and isolated. In the same way though, I would have a nice house to myself,  I could focus on building my character. I could go mountain biking, run the trails everyday, adventures in the woods. But I wouldn’t.  My mind keeps swaying. I am frustrated beyond belief with the pressure of decision and time is running out.

 

I’ve been sewing a lot, at least.

Let’s go on an adventure, shall we?

I’ll leave you on a note of slight sadness.
Though, the resin collected was impressive:

 

the wonder years November 30, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — knottythoughts @ 7:49 pm
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It’s a foggy Monday morning and I manage to look pretty scummy as I walk home from a night of exorcism and stoner movies at my guitarist’s place. I’m unusually well rested because his couch is the squishy kind of comfortable and Molly Danger the Chihuahua makes a wonderful cuddle buddy.

I can hear what’s left of last night sloshing around in my bag, the bottle is a little too big and pokes out the top; the epitome of class. I can feel my kidneys hating me for forgetting to take my antibiotics last night, I suppose the rum didn’t help either. Most of the leaves are gone from the tree branches by now and it makes me desperately wish for something less deciduous, maybe some mountains while we’re at it. I’m homesick.

Feeling strange right now: not bad, but not really good. Then I realize there’s a word for that , I say “melancholy” out loud; it starts to rain big fat MELANCHOLY drops. I suppose I set myself up for that one. Thanks to the pauses in my thoughts, semi-colons are my new best friend. Though I really cannot be that pensive, I have a tightly wound ball of excitement in my bones and I know it’s just a matter of hours before it all bursts forth, today will a good kind of interesting to say the least.

Usually I have Mondays off. Right now I have every day off.

My puppy should have had his morning walk hours ago, I feel guilty, but when I walk in the door he isn’t mad, just excited that I’m home now. Animals are impressive, they focus on the good and let all the bad shit just roll on by.  I’m almost out of cat food, fully out of money.  I will be job hunting today in an attempt to remedy my lack of income, but while I wait for invitations to interviews I’ll focus on sewing.  I’ve fallen in love with a new, more personal design aesthetic in the last few days and should be taking photos tomorrow with Lauren.  A very fun model who I am delighted to be working with.  Good things this way come.  I want to start a video cast to give my clothing label a more connected point of view, I’ll make the first one this week.  High hopes!