Knotty Thoughts

thinking under the influence

but this is how you make us feel May 27, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — knottythoughts @ 8:45 am
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I suppose my detachment from reality is a problem. I cannot quite connect the world that’s in my head with the world that’s outside of it. Every negative (and positive) situation I become involved in is viewed by my mind as a sort of experiment or learning experience. Instead of doing things to consciously alter the outcome, I simply do what I feel in that instant and watch the results, analyze and gauge the reactions of the humans around me. All this research…I wonder when I’m going to put the knowledge to use. I wonder if I’m ever going to join the rest of the world or just float alongside it, close but not touching.

There is hope, I believe. Every now and then I cross paths with a peculiar energy. They are never fundamentally the same, but the effect they have on me is similar. They’re like a big glowing spot among all the dark gray blurs, they’re the ones I can touch and feel and they seem more real than anything else around me. I never know how to handle myself when I suddenly find them in my presence. I’m so caught off guard that I attach myself immediately, twist and wriggle my way into their light and consume as much as possible without a single thought of conservation crossing my mind. A heightened awareness of existence. The best part is that they don’t even comprehend the little life changing reaction that happens in my brain upon knowledge of their existence. This is good, though, because their power is paramount. Short lived, usually, because I do not know how to keep these things stable. I’m always too close to see the big pictures. I have found one of these energies as of late, as always, in the form of a normal human. Though they are not normal in the least.

The worst part is, I’m happy.

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a tingling sensation December 30, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — knottythoughts @ 1:11 am
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…my life can be pretty fucked up!

gosh, I used to be cute.

I used to paint my toenails.

and not give a fuck.

I was creative too.

I used to be in love.

I used to fall off my skateboard.

for a while I had close friends
the kind that let you spray paint them when they’re drunk.
the kind that keep you warm when the heat goes out
the kind that help you fill up the station wagon when dumpster diving
and never blame you for eating that chocolate.
or making strange cinnamon treats out of the pizza crust.
the kind that will always share their last cigarette with you
the kind that will write lyrics to punk songs and hide them on your computer
the kind that haggles for used skate shoes as a gift to you
the kind that bombs hills with you, even when they have loose bearings.
the kind that helps you cook a feast in an unpaid for apartment.
the kind that keeps playing even when they bleed.
the kind that accidentally breaks your ceiling fan with nunchucks
the kind that allow you to witness them shave their mohawks
let you paint their spikes.
the kind that give you hope and faith in humanity.
The kind I let go and forced away.

because I like to hear myself talk.
‘I am lucky to constantly be exposed to a ridiculous variety of experiences. I’m almost always completely consumed in this strange sense of appreciation and adoration for all things life. It can never be turned off. Everything is too interesting.’

Like right now, the speed and comfort with which my finger tips are flying across the greasy keys hitting letter after letter individually, forcing them to combine and spill my thoughts on to the page. On to my screen. On to your screen. You’re getting a sense of my life(the passion, the insanity, the awesomely fucked up-ness) from the safety of your own life. What a stunningly beautiful thing. How simply feeling the comfort I associate with typing can bring me to the brim with joy. REAL joy. It’s swirling about in my lungs at all times. My eyes are spinning, over-stimulated, desperately soaking in every last visual drop of information in my surroundings. Caressing it in brain fibers and sending a tingling bliss through my entire nerve system. Even in the two feet that have been crushed in circle pits so many times and are basically numb, they tingle now.
And don’t you want to live this?
don’t you want to look back on your memories and sigh happily with the knowledge that you’ve been living life to the fullest?
don’t you want to look forward to the future and giggle because you understand so clearly that even the most dreadful, terrible things that may occur are in their own way truly lovely?
don’t you want to be lured by the promise of new sensation?
fresh perspective?
don’t you want to be confident in your perception of actuality?

I do.
I am.
I love.

Hmm. Been hitting the bong.
But seriously, how can you let anything pass by you!
WAKE UP.
let the merriment commence!

your willingness to let yourself be happy is the key to full-blooded, unquestionable delight